ON MY MIND...

ok i'll make it short n swit coz im too tired nw so i lazy to type long2..

hmm... i was dae dreaming the whole trip through 2dae when my teacher brought my whole class on a trip around singapore in a farry... itz like i was listening to tis song the whole dae "WHEN UR GONE" n i wished sumone could dalicate this song to mi coz the song was so 4 my ex once apon a time in the past... n talking about her... guess i hav gotten over her but our sweet memories still cannot be 4gotten n itz stuck to my head... guess we still r frenz ryt..? im greatful enough alreadi betta then we not having anithing to do wit each other animore... i juz dun hav the same feeling which i had when i was waiting 4 u this almost 1 year... the love the care n the wae we used to talk.. n guess im not missing u like i alwaes did every single dae...

n about this sumone who has been on my mind resently... i dunno if my mindset towards u is changing coz wat i saw tat dae was a feeling i never felt before in my life n i dun blame u 4 making mi feel tat wae coz u dun even noe if i like u or not... itz like u sae tatz ur lepak2 memberz who u noe 4 2 years eh..? till because of them u r who u r todae... hey.. my frenz who i lepak2 wit pun dun touch our other gerl frenz like tat man... n they dun juz kiss like got no respect 4 gerlz like tat... n u wanna noe the true reason y i wanna juz leave u n go sumwer else..?? itz not because u were gonna get drunk but itz because i was hurt about wat this two painful eyes of mine saw... a gerl who i was starting to fall for kissing n being touched by other guy like she was so cheap... i noe shes not deep inside...

seriously... i can juz sit infront of u n juz look a ur smile n ur pretty face coz it makez mi feel like im dreaming... but itz like im so confuse right now cause i dun love to get hurt n i hav gotten hurt too many times over n over again till i juz thought u were the one who could finally fix back this broken heart but guess i was wrong.. or maybe itz still nt the time yet...i juz feel like juz walking awae witout a single word n never to return or look back... or should i juz be there for u n take care of u so that nothing wud happen to u till u got urself a boifren then i would leave for good... hw..??? wish u were reading this...making u or seeing u happy is the least i could do piggy

sumone once said to mi..." gerls are juz using guyz... when they need u.. they find u... but when they dun.. u dun even exist in their life... they alwaes keep u waiting or make u feel like they r falling for u cause they noe tat u wud be there if they need sumone to turn to..." tatz wat happen to mi this past one year n if ur wondering how cn a toopid guy like mi can hold on for so long.. well im a king tat if i fall for sumone.. i wud giv them everything i cn or do... n one thing u should not do to mi is hurt mi... i had been hurt to much alreadi n i dun wanna feel hurt no more...

<3>

anto aka hotsuff
bleedintearsnsorrow

if i fall again i promise im gonna leave this part behind...

national dae..

09.08.07....

kz i started out my dae wit a fone kol fm my ex best bitch saeing she wanna mit mi nw bt i was still in bed n had nt taken my shower yets..so i took my own sweet time to get ready as i had to mit her at tamp. n im staying at hougang nw... dn we met at big mac. n as we were sitting n toking.. a msg was send to mi by sum no. i dunno saeing her name lina n she wanz 2 mit mi at esplanade n as i was going there later in the evening to mit my new family... so i chill at TM wit aishah my sandal till 3 plus coz she had to go werk.. but we stop by watsonz first to giv my ex raudah a very big surprise coz aishah n mi had a very big fight not long ago... after we hug n kissed her.. i send aishah to her stop n i took an MRT to city hall to mit a gerl i dun even noe... as i was sitting in the train... i kolled my piggy n ask if she is coming down to mit mi n my piglet was so moody she sae she mite nt b coming n i was so sad... dn i kolled dane n he sae he coming around 5 plus..

dn as i reached city hall... it was so crowded tat i had a hard time find my wae out...soon.. i met up wit the gerl which i dun even noe or tok or met b4...dn she took mi to mit her other frenz n like her... they were all adik2... heee... it was like all the while.. i was toking n toking n toking while she juz sae 1 or 2 wordz... dn she asked mi if i was att or single so i told her i go wit the flow... dn after awhile.. her frenz asked mi y m i not toking to lina n i was juz smiling... n if im nt rong... i heard her fren kolling her ain.. so is she lina or ain..??? nvm i dun even bother... soon i got bored standing under the hot sun 4 like 2 hr plus freaking hours n lina was scaring mi coz i was so sure she wanted to hold my handz.. so i quicky hold my bag on 1 hand n put 1 more in my pocket.. as it was getting late.. i kolled dane n he sae he was otw wit my piglet n i was so happy coz piggy was coming n i cud nt wait to run fm lina... abt 630 dn they reached city hall MRT so we decided to mit at sub wae at marina bay... i tried to find my wae out 4 quite sumtime b4 i finally found the exit n i went to sub wae to mit my piggy n my sugar mummy...

when i met them... i was so tired so i took a rest awhile n they were like asking mi y im like tis n i asked dane 4 a ciggi coz i really nided 1 at tat point of time.. dn after i smoked n they bought 4 mi food.. we sat n tok y i was so tired n i took them abt the lina gerl n about me getting hit on the face by a policeman... my piglet was so angry wit mi coz i said i wanted to mit her at CCK but in the end i met wit sum random her... tat sounded so wrong man.. was it my fluat coz she sae she no mood to go..? n she was angry wit mi when i sae i wanted to come CCK to mit her..?? dn as we were eating... i foung piggy's unlock place to tickle her.. dn yan the vian boi kolled n he sae he wanted to mit us at clak quey n so do kak vin..so we wen to the bridge to watch fireworkz n piglet was so happy n excited to see the fireworkz when it started... we dn made our wae to clak quey to mit both of them but we went to 7 11 at boat quey first to buy ciggis n while we were juz about to make our wae there.. we met han n his family.. wat a small world... lucky he did nt see mi...

while we was alking to clak quey... my head spin awhile coz i guess it was because i stand or walk too much earlier... as we reached clak quey.. we sat by the stairz n waited 4 kak vin n vain... soon they came sat awhile dn we got our ass to CM n i was shock coz it was like alot of 'adik2 la'... but we had a great time wit kuma around too... but it was like they closed too early n we had to make our way back to clak quey coz kak vin wanted to buy drink again but i did nt noe wat happen...as we were otw there... boi vian was so irritating i swear to u... i can juz get into a fight wit mi at the place itself man... enough is enough man kuwi LAN... dun try 2 push ur luck too far kz coz u hav not seen my true colours yet...dn when we was passing the mac... i saw iszy n tina so i got in n sat wit them awhile n iszy join us at the bridge later on... iszy dn left after awhile n soon jaja came... we sat there till about 5 if im nt rong b4 we all headed home... so much 4 mi goin to CCK to chill wit hid n dane.. my piglet took my frenz motor hm... great man... free ride ape... dn i had to decide wer to head fm there so i followed kak vin to her place n we sat n tok wat i did nt expect us to tok about wat we did... btw tis is wat kak vin sae tat made mi shock awhile... as we came out fm the cab.. i kolled piglet n after i put down the fone kak vin wat like... I NOE U LIKE DAYAH RITE..? n i sae like hmmm... after afew secondz dn i started off wit telling kak vin about mi n my ex... about mi waiting 4 her 4 almost 1 year n dn she told mi juz not to wait 4 her animore... kak vin told mi something about gerlz which i tink i gonna kip in mind coz itz quite true...

dn i came to the part about hid... i sae i dunno if i could fall 4 dayah coz she lot of darlingz n i wanna b with sum1 who cn take care of mi real nice n cn b trusted n not plae with my feelingz coz no1 is perfect so thingz cud alwaes go rong alil... m i falling 4 u my piggy...?? hmm... no1 noes i tink.. but cn it b seen i like u..?? or isit juz pplz wild guess...?? i aso dunno... but it was fun toking to kak vin coz i noe her 4 onli 1 week n we get along pretty well i can sae..

MY FEELINGZ...

m i like missing u in the worse way or something..?? sitting rite beside u noeing tat i cn never be wit u i tink... and i dun even noe if u feel the same 2wardz mi too coz itz gonna hurt alot when u giv somebody ur full love n care n at the end of the day u find out tat they were juz making use of u... r u the 1 who was holding the key to my locked heart..?? r u the 1 who could do wat all the gerlz who were after mi could not do..?? i hope u r cause i really need someone rite now really bad... cause im losing myself soon n juz break down n never find the strength to pull myself up of fixed myself back to 1... if u feel the same wae 2wardz mi too... im alwaes gonna welcome u wit my armz wide open so u would no im really serious about u... juz felt free when i hear ur voice juz 4 a sec n itz betta when u were rite infront of mi coz ur smile n beauty juz made my heart beat skip... juz not hearing ur voice n seeing u 4 1 dae is like im missing u alreadi... guess ur the 1...

i noe u alwaes sae ur here 4 mi bro aka mummy... n i can alwaes juz buzz u if i need help or anithing n imgrateful 4 tat and but worry i will be fine n if i really need help or anithing i will so ask u alrite..?? hopr ur reading tis...

anto aka hotsuff
bleedintearsnsorrow

if i ever fall again
im gonna leave
tis part behind....
heee..

the RETURN

hahaz i 4got my past word to get into here coz itz been like wat.. 7 mthz i nvr blog..?!!!
kz i woke up early tis morning juz to c if my piglet got to school n yes after 5 long daes of her own holidae she did n she sae she was late 4 her test.. doinkz..!!!! dn my mum woke up n ask mi y m i nt changed yet coz i 4got i had to bring her 4 check up... when she came out fm the room.. i tot she was onli suffering fm low blood but tis time round.. she has heart failer..!!! o.m.g...!!! n the doctor sae she cnt worry too much or it wud get worse.. hw in the blue hell m i gonna tel her abt my own sickness coz it was getting bad to worse nw n i was juz about to tel her abt it but guess i juz hav to keep it fm her till as long as antonio is still around...haix.. sum1 once told mi..alwaes tink positive anto.. im trying but itz too hard 4 mi nw bro.. hope sum1 cn b there 4 mi ryt nw... but i dun wanna trouble ani1 coz every1 has their own problem...

last nite.. i had a kol from nigga shit n not onli was he on the fone but c-zar was on the fone too... n as i expected.. there was 1 more problem to face.. n nw it was about the money which nigga shit pass to han n han sae he pass all the money to mi.. W.T.F...!!!!! y m i in every pic. of hype's problem nw..?!!!!!! wat did i do huh..?!! first every1 hate mi coz the tink i got new frenz dn wanna m.i.a.. dn han tinkz i n hid r 2gether.. btw bro if ur reading tis.. hid got betta taste la im nt even near her standed...i wanna put our friendship on fire but nah juz kidding.. dn tot vin vin was some1 who cn understand mi but guess i was rong coz after wat nigga sae.. even c-zar hu is partner wit vin vin dun trust him... there is onli 1 thing tat showz.. D.T.A..!!! nw.. y must han put mi in the pic. n sae im holding all the money when i dun even noe anithing...!!! r u stabbing mi in the back or wat man..?!! itz like ur being a 2 faced mother fucker to mi nw...!!!

as 4 iszy.. so wat if i send hid home or nt.. it does nt disturb u or ur family ape... so y u wanna tok to mi till like tat sae... hate mi if u wan coz i dun come bagging 4 ur frenship so y i wanna care...!!!

as 4 vin vin .. sorry abg if my mind set as change 2wardz u coz watz happening nw to HYPE made mi tink tis wae... till the air is cleared dn im sure i wud b back on track wit HYPE..

as 4 yan .. dunno u tat well yet bro but ur giving mi a very bad impact on u coz ppl judge wat they c n watz happening nw to u is like very hard to b lif man.. hope ur true to pplz frenship coz trust dun come tat easily.. u got to earn it...

nigga shit.. hmm.. wonder hw a 6 years plus frenship cn turn out tis wae nw... mayb coz i hav been too patient n let u treat mi like ur bank n like a fool too sumtimes but guess wat... i hav finally had enough man... itz time 4 u to juz wake up n get a life of ur own.. u sae u wanna change or isit like wat.. ur changing but to mi ur juz the same old syed nezar i knew 6 yrz ago man... u wanna noe when we r gonna b back to normal..? the dae u hav changed infront of tis 2 eyes of mine...

n nt 4getting han.. hahaz... sista.. guess i finally seen ur true colourz n it makez mi sick man... i feel like vomitting ryt nw... first.. u had a nice n beautiful gf but u juz treat her like trash... itz like onli at club shez ur gf.. dn never look after her or was there when she nidz sum1.. W.T.F..!! tis is so pathetic man.. n u go shooting at her about she telling c-zar abt ur nt her bf.. if i was her i wud do the same.. tank god ur nt her bf animore coz ur juz making her suffer more.. she deserve a much betta guy dn a 'guy' like u... n guess ur a 2 faced mother fucker huh..? oppz... i love plaeing tis game 2... try mi...hahaz...

im in a dilemma nw too coz iszy n the gang of HYPE eastside boiz told mi tat dun b like nigga shit got new frenz dn M.I.A but i like being wit my new family too... they r fun to hang out wit n they make mi feel like im part of them... at the same time.. i dun wanna make the eastside boiz tink tat i hav 4gotten them coz they r the once who gav mi all the fun n feel of going clubbing n a new life... im realli grateful 4 tat but the wae thingz r turning out in HPYE nw is making mi more confused n lost n i juz dunno the wae out from tis mass i hav created... hope i cn find the light to tis dark path im walking nw.. i dunno wanna stay like tis 4 long coz i mite lose both parties at the same time if i dun decide fast... haix...

last of all... mi holding on to the memories of my ex is so hating mi inside out tatz y i hav left tat part alreadi...!!! she is treating mi like a trash too nw n when she wanz sumthing she msg mi if nt i guess i dun even exist in her life.. i feel so unapreciated man... W.T.H..!!! thx eh... im nt gonna entertain all ur bullshit animore my dear.. enough is enough... u tink u onli got feelingz..? hey.. i hav feelingz too ok.. onli itz tat i cry in silence at nite coz i dun wan u to noe im hurt... juz hope u wud find a guy who is betta dn mi n who cn giv u more dn wat i gav...

n my piglet.. juz wanna sae tis coz u hang up the fone last nite b4 i cud sae tis... i noe alot of guyz r after u n itz gud n bad tat u reject them but juz a sae to make u figure it out... " u alwaes leave the once tat love u n love the once tat leave u.."... tc my piglet... dun b scared to let ur feelings go coz if u hold it back. ur the 1 whoz gonna get hut or suffer in the end...

anto aka hotsuff
bleedintearsnsorrow

my past daes

kz i hav not been blogging for the past 3 daes coz i was busy n yesterdae when i was juz gonna finish blogging my com crashed.... so now im gonna sae wat had been on my mind for the past 3 daez... first.. the performance at rivervile plaza was so bad... we did not perform well... the stage was small.. n i did not do well like the others coz it was my first time n i did not have the energy like the rest.... dn we went town jln2 but i tried to fit into each group coz they walk as in small groupz but i feel i did not fit in ani so itz betta off i walk alone... the next dae... aisha n raudah had a performance at down town east in the morning so they decided to go town coz they did not noe wer to go so they called mi along too... dn after we ate n walked alil.. soon they were tired so we headed home coz fadz said she was heading town too wit zal neya n fyk... but they went to esplanade so we decided to take a bus 65 back to tampines n they can slp along the wae back too... dn we went tm jln2 for awhile dn while we were crossing the road guess hu we saw..?? shaz n erni...!!! wth... dn we headed hm...kz... yesterdae i was so pissed off... i thought there was dance prac. but fadz told mi when i was online wit her that there wasn't ani dance prac. but izhan msg her n said they all gonna chill at the block we alwaes sit... as i finished school earli.... i went home to slp but as i was slpin... iffa msg mi n asked mi to pass her the jacket izhan lend mi tat dae so i asked her wer to mit n she sae at the cc... dn i ask her thought 2dae no dance prac. n she sae yup nope but they all chilling at the cc.. dn i sae but no1 kolled or msg mi to tel mi about tat n she sae she aso but she juz come down... so i sae i feel im not invited n i hav got shame... i dun feel like coming down but fadz asked mi to mit her first at small mac at 645 coz she was waitting for neya n we wanted to tok about something... after we met up neya came n send her fren to the interchange n ask fadz n mi to wait for her at the pavilian n as we were waitting for her... ayun n iffa walked passed us... wat a surprise huh..? dn they ask us to wait for them as they wanted to go drew sum money... dn we walked to cc 2gether... dn when we reached cc... we would shake handz hugz or kiss n i juz did the same for the rest but as it came to izhan... thingz won't the same it was juz cheek to cheek... hey werz the kiss on the lipz huh..?!! haix juz forget about it... dn we headed to tele park like we alwaes did after our dance prac. n sit n chit chat... dn i went home wit fadz n the same izhan did not kiss mi on the lipz again.. wat the hell... do u hav something to sae to mi...? dn todae i aso finished school early n while i was in class... fadly msg mi n ask wat time i mitting the rest n i was like no1 told mi todae u all mitting up... so i kolled fadz while i was otw home n she sae she was otw to mit the rest alreadi n she ask if im coming so i went home to change n went to mit her at small mac... dn went to mit the rest at the block n headed to cc after tat... dn we cilled there till around 930 dn headed to tele park... dn sat while dn went home... same like yesterdae.. izhan did not kiss mi on the lipz again... heres wat i think about each of u now...

neya : hmm...since the first time i met u... we have been getting closer n closer as each dae passes...

fadz : shez alwaes been there for mi coz we once went through the same problem n she did understand mi inside out.. tankz gal...

fadly : hmmm... i feel tat he the type who would still be there if i nid some1 n i realli appiciate it.. tankz...

iffa : guess thingz hav not been the same like before for us alreadi huh..? miz those daes... guess i was rite all a long when i said u were in a world of ur own... i understand u dun wanna hear ani more gossipz or watever shit n thatz y u dun wanna get close to ani1 now but the wae i see it.. thatz not the wae itz going...

ayun : hey.. remember u sae last time we r the yankees..? u would alwaes be there for mi..?? wer r u now huh..??!! since u hav fyk i feel ur not the same animore towardz mi.. u dun joke or tok wit mi like we used to do n may i noe y huh..?

afzal : guess u have changed alot now towards mi... i feel that when u r wit ur brothers or ur classmates... u dunno huz antonio... n when u have no1.. u come n find mi... is that the wae u treat mi..?? i dun mind coz im so sad now... n btw... dun worri coz i wun steal fadz from you... i hav some1 else in my life... fadz juz sum1 hu noez mi very well n im the same... n i cn see that whenever fadz is wit mi.. ur face very black n i dunno y u wud toke nasty to mi.. but i guess i noe y now...

izhan : hmmm... wat can i sae about u huh coz i dunno wer to start... kz... seriousli ur sum1 i realli like getting to noe wit n i tot we could last the wae we r for as long as we noe each other but guess thingz happen for a reason... guess u hav judged mi so rongli.... u said that i hav iffa fadz aisha barbara n raudah.... wer do u stand...? seriousli nth hav changed coz u have alwaes been sum1 special in my heart n it hurtz mi to see u being this wae towardz mi now.... i shell tel u y ur so rong... for iffa.. shez in the world of her own n shez so diff. towardz mi now... as for fadz.. she has afzal n shes juz sum1 close hu noes mi inside out.... as for aisha.... shez juz a fren hu nidz sum1 whenever shez alone n im so happen to be there for her alwaes.... as for barbara... im so confused about her now coz im juz forceing myself to love n care for her n i wish tis could stop soon... n as for raudah... she is some1 hu yup i do love but i juz feel that i would be hurt by her once again.... watever it is... ur alwaes in my heart dear...

juz wanna ask this... y do i feel that im not fitted in the group now... u guyz dun tok or joke wit mi like last time... the onli once hu tok to mi is fadz neya n fadly... wat did i do to deserve to be treated this wae now..?? y dun i juz leave u guyz alone coz weather im around or not itz like no diff. so thatz it... peace out....

alryt... i was so late for school 2dae n as i was juz about to leave the house for school myt parentz came home n my dad ask do i hav school 2dae n wat time school startz n after i told him the time... he scolded mi n sae i wan to school or dun wan... if dun wan go work betta.... dn i rush to the bus stop to take bus to the interchange dn take 31 to school.... as i reached school... aisha called mi n ask mi to mit her at cafe 1 n when i was juz about to go into cafe 1.. i saw her walking infront of mi so i juz followed her from behind... dn after awhile dn she realize i was behind her... wat a slow girl.... so it was lunch... the cafe would alwaes be pack so i did not sit wit aisha n her frenz coz there wasn't any space for mi so i saw my class matez n went to sit wit them as they were having lunch too.... dn atfer we ate.. we went out of school to smoke n dn went to class after take... s the weather was very cold because it was raining... my fren can of the fan summore n he sae letz all be ice man.... crazy.... dn we went for tea break before going for our next class.... after that we went to computer class to do some online test n i got 100%...!!! wow...!!! is that good or wat...?? k2 stop it vierra antonio emmanuel.... dn after i did my test i could go home n juz in time fadz called n ask were i wanted to mit her cause zal n fyk was wit her... dn i told her to mit mi at interchange... as i was walking to the bus stop to take 31... the bus was full so i had to wait for the next bus n it took a very long time to come... when it came... fadz called again n i told her i was in the bus otw alreadi.... when i reached interchange... i met them n noor n abg was there too...dn we walked to blk 148 coz ayun n izhan said thet were there.... as we were walking to the place... noor went to the mama shop to buy rokok... n guess wat...?? the mama man sae he cnt buy coz his birthdae haven pass... wat rubbish.... dn noor angry gilaR... wakaka... dn we met ayun n izhan smoke first dn went to the cc.... but i decided to go home first to get some money to eat n i only got $1.40 from my dad.... how sad is this... dn i went to mit raudah coz she aso was going to the cc for dance prac. n as usual... i waited for her at her bus stop n she was late again like she alwae does... dun she pity mi..?? k laz... she came down n we walked the the cc.... as we reached... every1 was ther alreadi... her crew n mine... RFS N D'PHAT at the same ground... cool huh..?? dn we started our own dance prac. n i tink i hurt my knee again...!!! k dn we pack up coz the aunty wantwd to close the cc alreadi n we made our wae down.... we dn shake huever was going a different wae from us n raudah finally gave mi wat she promised for a afew weeks alreadi.... a hug n a kiss....!!! n i felt that she gave it to mi wit lotz of love n care... how swit...!!! im so touched sae.... coz it was from the girl hu is the love of my life... i juz felt comfort in her arms n her kiss made my dae coz i alwaes dreamt since the dae we broke up that... sum dae... i could juz hav 1 last kiss from her.... n i juz did 2dae.... i see my happiness in her... but when cn i get that...?? i realli dunno... dn went tele park lepak like we alwaes do... dn around 1030 i went home fadz.... thatz wat happen to mi for 2dae...

[ the blood i bleed is the tears i cried]

k im very happi 2dae coz wat i pray not to happen was now all over... its my deepest secret... maybe some of u all know about it but if u dun... dn come n ask mi watz it.... n i feel like breaking up wit my girlfren sooner n sooner as daes pass by n each dae goes by... im loving raudah more....!!! wat cn i do... i cannot lie to my heart or myself animore... this is wat my heart wants it to go.... n therez nth i cn do about it... thatz all for nw... peace out...

yeah...!! im ealrly for school 2dae but i was so angry coz my frenz ask mi to mit up wit them at the interchange so we could go school 2gether but when i reached the interchange... i saw the bus 31 goin off n they were in that bus...they left mi behind...!!! wtf...!!! this type of frenz aso hav but im okie wit them when i reached school... juz fucked them up alil only dn we joke again like alwaes... i did sum class test on the computer... went for lunch... dn went to class again coz there was another test....n guess wat...?!! i went to school till it ended 2dae for the first time in 2007...!!! great rite...?!! hehe... dn i went to the cc for dance prac. after school.... fadz kolled n msg mi asking wat time i was cuming coz zal was there since 2 plus n fadz was otw so i went there straight n fadlee was there too... i ask zal where was fadz coz she was not there but her bag was there... n he said she was toking to sumone so i thought sumone who came down but as i was otw to the toilet... i saw her sitting at the third floor staircase toking on the fone n i knew it was her boifren coz she was toking on the fone very long n i knew shez gonna cry or feel very down soon... awhile later.. as zal n mi was going to the shop to buy mami monster izhan came n after we went up not long amir came n he sae fraze cuming todae n i was like okie..soon aisha called mi n i went down to pick her up.... n like i said... fadz called mi n i went down alone to seek to her n yup she was in tears n i was rite it was her boifren she was toking to juz now on the fone... dn i ask her wat happen n she told mi n itz like wat she told mi is wat im aso going through rite nw... itz like 99 % we r in the same situation.... dn she went up to take her diary n showed mi wat she wrote about her boifren yesterdae n a poem for him.... n the swittest thing was... she aso wrote about mi after wat i said in my blog last nite... n she aso wrote for mi a poem....!!! how swit...!!! tankz gal.. heartz u.... i was lost for words juz now man... i did not know wat to sae coz i was so touched.... k dn we went up coz they started dance prac. but the rest went interchange to send zal hm so fadz n mi went down to get ourself something to munch coz we were puite hungry... so i decided to go to the coffee shop to see wat we could get n we both decided to eat roti john... dn we went back up n the rest aso came up a minute later n we shared the food... after eating dn we started dance n prac. on our 27th formation n i screwed up alot... i forgot wer i had to stand in the middle of the song.... wakaka... kz dn after we prac. afew times we packed up n headed to tele pack... so mi n fadz continued our tok till we reached tele park coz iffah wanted to mit us there... miss that gal alotz man.... dn after ami n akid went to the 7/11... iffah asked us if we read fraze n shaz blog... n even amirz blog i tink... but we like amir nw... his blanding into us now n thatz gud... we like him now alot.... so his got nothing to do wit that... dn she ask us to go home n read wat both shaz n fraze sae n guess i onli read wat shaz wrote in her blog n nw im gonna sae wat i feel....

WATZZUP...??

kz... huz n watz ur point when u said the so called frenz r not the way they r now..? n huz the one who walked out on hu..?? we do understand ur situation but wat crap r u toking about now..?? of coz the new frenz r not the problem neither is the old fenz hu r the problem... we feel that ur the the one who is the problem.... n y do we nid to b ashamed of ourself when we had done anithing shameful..?? n who the fuck u tink u r toking about ur the one who put us where we r now..?? dun act big fuck ar plz...!!! witout u all this while... we r doin very well... guess betta dn b4... n who lay eyes on u...?? u think u so damn fucking good..?!! tink again b4 u even sae a thing ar.... n fyi... who is walking off huh..?? it lookz like u man.... n dun anihow sae we gossip about u coz ur not even around most of the time when we gathered 2gether n juz tok.... btw who r u calling back stabbers..?? if u dare to tok dn juz dare to sae the names ar like i did.... n guess ur the childish one coz u make a small matter n turn it into a big problem.... come on la... grow up plz... guess u juz cannot handle my jokes... people like u r juz so boring... get a life plz... hope some dae u can read this n try to answer my qustions... i still did not forget wat u said to mi.... peace out...

FeeLinGZ...

okies....2dae...i got up on time... dn i went tam. interchange to mit up wit two of my class mates dn took a bus to school... they wre very kecho in the bus wit their lame tok n disturbing each other... dn we got to school on time but we were lock outside coz the door was lock... dn we went to the other side but it was lock too... waste our time onli... dn i called my teacher to open for us the door... n he did... Y WE DID NOT TINK OF IT EARLIER.... k la dn we attent the anger menagement tok... IT WAS SO BORING...!!! k... my dae at school is so boring 2dae...dn i went to mit fadz n fadlee coz they were at tam. alreadi eating at cs so i met up wit them at the MRT... we dn walked to the cc where we had dance prac. 2dae n abg n zal was there alreadi aso...dn izhan came n they was doin the formation for our this satdae performance...i went to the fifth floor to slp coz i was very tired n i realli had a deep slp coz the wind was so great... but i dn had to wake up from my wonderful nap coz i had to prac. for satdae performance...dn it rain n the cc tai che class came up to use the place we alwaes prac. so we had to go dome near sun plaza...K LAZ LETZ TOK ABOUT MYSELF....

MYSELF...

hmm... guess no one could see my problemz or watz bothering mi to huh..not even fadz i guess coz so poor switty she is sick 2dae... her face cn see... k guys... after wat happen to fadz juz now made mi feel down n made mi wanna tink alot n about wat izhan said n neya...like neya said... juz dun tink too much about ur past coz it wud alwaes b there in ur memories... n u juz cannot hide from it coz how long r u gonna run awae from it..? ITZ FOR REAL... THIS IS LIFE.. the onli wae is to juz face it n see the out come is... coz guess it would make u a someone hu had once experience about relationship break downs in the future... n as for wat izhan said... hmm... yup i juz wanna cry out loud n hard if it makez mi feel betta but it does not change anithing if i cried out loud n juz now i was juz holding back my tears coz i did not wan anithing of them to see im down... the one thing tat would make mi feel betta is cutting my hand... but itz a stupid thing to do as alot of people would sae n guess i hav found sumthing new tat could make mi feel betta... n that is juz to be alone by myself n mayb sitting wit someone who understandz mi n juz lay my head on their shoulder n juz tel them my story....n if u wanna noe the truth u guyz.. juz now when u guys ask mi if im okie n i said i was but i wasn't n i did not wan to tel u all coz i dun wan to trouble or worri u guyz.... SERIOUSLY IM NOT OKIE.... im juz scared wat fadz felt juz now is wat i guess my galfrenz gonna face soon if i were to break our relationship up...i feel tat im so in the rong... like im plaeing wit her feelingz but im nt... i juz dunno how to tel her n thatz y im still wit her... i juz dunno wat to do now... i hav no feelingz for her nw seriousli not even alil... n whenever she calls... i hav no mood to tok to her n even if i sae i miss or love her...itz juz wordz... it did not come from the bottom of my heart... sorri gal im feeling this wae to u... i juz tried so hard to love u alreadi but i cannot... THATZ Y I LIKE BEING ALONE NOW...i would feel betta n my mind can tink clear... STILL SO LOST N CONFUSED... WAKE IN A POOL OF BLOOD... hope tmw wud b a betta dae.. coz everything went smoothli for mi 2dae till my galfren called n wat happen to fadz changed my dae... IM HERE FOR U GAL... ANITIME N ANIWHERE... HEARTZ U...!!!

start of the wk

okie... i was late for school 2dae...!!! im in deep shit man... i jump fm my bad n took a quick shower... like malay sae MANDI COWBOI...hehe... dn when i reached the bus stop... i was smoking so i walk behind n guess hu i saw..?!! MY BIGGEST COMPATITOR IN SECONDARY SCHOOL...!!! ALI...!!! he alwaes like raudah n wanted her but in the end he did not win her heart n i did...!!! dn we tok awhile n i miss afew of my bus n im so the late cn smoke n cheat chat wit him summore... dn when i rached school.. i went to class n my fren said my hair was NICE n HE WAS JEALOUS...!!! so he ask mi to follow him cut his hair after school... dn we went for tea break n i went out to smoke wit my fren dn i saw aisha's crew mate n she smiled at mi... so frenli.. n i smiled back.. aisha sae she is a flirt but to mi shez not... dn went back class to hear my teacher's boring tok dn headed hm but my fren ask mi to follow him cut hair so i did at afgan...after he cut his hair... i look at my handfone n it was time to haed to the cc for my dance prac. n our performance is this satdae n im so not prepared yet...!!! as i walk to the bus stop juz in time the bus came.... i did not noe y but my mood swing realli bad.... when i got up the bus.. the first person i saw was amir.... i sat wit him but we did not tok much till we came down coz we toking about soccer...!! wakaka....dn we met the others at cc roof top but as my mood was bad... i was not smiling at all...thought my D'PHAT family could put a smile on my face but they could not...i wonder y...dn i took my note book to the 5th floor n juz sat n wrote wat was on my mind n watz the probz i tink i facing or feeling... dn fadlee aso came up but he juz walked pass mi smiled n went sum other place... as i was lying down dn iffa came n sat beside mi... her face n tok juz put a smile on my face...!!! thx darl... dn we tok n joke around like we alwaes do when fadz came n join us.... she told mi sumthing that made my dae 2...!!! SHE SAE SHE WAS LOOKING FOR MI WHEN I WAS MISSING FROM HER SIGHT..DN SHE ASK IZHAN N LOOK DOWNSTAIRS BUT SHE COULD NOT FIND MI DN SHE CAME UP N WAS HAPPI TO SEE MI...!!!! HOW SWIT N CARING...!!! HEARTZ U GAL...!!! dn we went down to join the rest n soon neya came... dn aisha came aso juz to chill wit us...soon we started our prac. n it was so tiring....dn as we were prac. for the last time... FRAZE N SHAZ came...!!! THOUGHT SUMONE SAE HE NOT CUMING DOWN ANI MORE..??!! WAN STEP MISSING IN ACTION....!!! WORLD AR..!!! dn as for SHAZ... i did not shake her hand or look or even tok to her but y must she tok about mi..??!! summore itz like very sarcestic...she sae A.. ANTO ASO PERFORMING..?? DOES THAT BOTHER OR EVEN GOT TO DO WIT U...??!! JUS SHUT UR MOUTH LAZ...!!! as u said in ur blog I WAS PUTTING WORDS IN UR MOUTH... DID I..?? GO CHECK UR EARS B4 U ANI HOW SAE LAZ OR FIND OUT THE REAL TRUTH FIRST... I WAS SAEING FRAZE NOT U LAZ....!!! THATZ Y IM NOT GONNA APOLOGISE TO U.... dn we pack n headed to tele park n as we were walking.. fadlee took mi that shaz ask aisha y aisha came down n how she noe we dance there... HU THE BIG FUCK SHE TINKZ SHE IS TO QUSTION OR ASK AISHA THAT HUH..??!! go stay hm n look after ur baby sista laz... hope she grow up n not become 2 FACED LIKE U...!!! btw fadz fadlee n mi toked about amir otw to tele park n itz great that we cn c amir has changed n we like him nw...atleast he made the effert to change n c his mistakez.... im so happy for u BRO...!!!

MY FEELINGZ INSIDE....
Y M I feeling this wae..?!! hope sumone could UNDERSTAND or juz tel mi y m i feeling so LOST N CONFUSED...!!! im trying to recall where i went rong... isit about my life or relationship...? guess itz about relationphip...how m i gonna tel her we should not go on wit this relationship animore...?? i m sure it would break her heart really bad... n i do not wan to see her getting hurt... haix... wat should i do..?? i m so confuse now...!!!! CN SUMONE JUZ SHOOT MI IN THE HEAD OR JUZ STAB MI IN THE BACK..??!! A SILENT BUT SLOW DEATH... i m gonna break down soon... as each dae passes.. im feeling weaker n weaker...IM SERIOUS.. IM GONNA CUT MYSELF REALLI DEEP... juz wait n see wat happenz...sorri u guyz.. whoever which did not let mi cut myself or do not want to tok to mi if ever they found out i cut my hand again...but seriousli it makes mi feel betta...n hope u all cn accapt the person i m... if u r my real true fren... coz u juz dunno how im feeling...

my daez

2dae.. i guess i woke up fm the right side of my bed coz everything was going smoothly for mi...!!! i was chatting wit fadz till noon dn i had a kol from my fren saeing i had to come down to bedok for my art thing...fadz was wokin 2dae so i could not ask her n my plan was to go swimming 2dae.. n guess wat..?? amir n fraze of all people wanted to go wit mi... FUCK OFF FAGGOTZ...!!! dn i took a bath changed n headed to bedok... it was so boring so i decided to go n buy cigarettes n while i was looking at wat brand to buy... the uncle asked mi for my i.c n said no use looking if im not 18 yet... dn when he saw my i.c.. he said he wanted to kiss my handz... SO LAME....!!! kiss my ass betta..wakaka... dn i headed hm but it was a long ride coz i took 28 n i drop at my secondary school so i smoke my wae hm... when reached hm.. i sat wit my brother n chat awhile dn wrote my yesterdaes blog dn on msn n guess hu was online..?? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE...!!! we chat n i ask her about her nick n she she it was about mi...!!! SHE STILL HEARTZ MI...!!! she made my dae man... dn i ask her if i were to get back wit her would she accapt mi n.... SHE SAID YES...!! OMG WAS MY EYES PLAEING TRICKZ ON MI..??!!! but im so confuse too right nw coz i feel that im forcing myself to love my girlfriend n care for her n she aso feel the same wae too... the girl i realli love is RAUDAH nw..!!! juz wish she could find sumone hu would love n care for her... i jus feel bad coz i cannot love her the wae she love me... juz wish she did not ever mit mi b4 in her life... LOVE IS A GAME NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND COZ ITS SO MYSTERIOUS... COZ AT THE END OF IT ALL.. SUMONES GONNA GET HURT REALLI BAD...guess shez the one huz gonna face that... U WIN U CRY U LOSE U ASO CRY...HAIX... THIS IS LIFE ALWAES UPZ N DOWNZ... juz wish i cn turn back time n redo my mistakes... but mistakes r mean to b made but not regreted over.... i juz wish this would get clear n everything would end soon coz im gonna break down soon...!!! wish i was single now too so i would not be in this state... there is sumone hu noez hw i feel coz she is going though the same problem nw... BTW IM MISSING THOSE HU I HEARTZ NW...!!! WISH I COULD JUZ HUG U ALL NW...!! BUT NVM MITTING U ALL 2MORROW SO IM GONNA HUG N KISS U ALL EXTRA TIGHT..!!! btw i saw izhan n iffa on tv... the rest i act i did not see... wakaka ^0^ if u noe hu im toking about...

MYSELF yesterdae

2dae...my plan was to go swimming wit my loving family D'PHAT...!!!but i met up wit raudah first coz we plan to mit at 12...i waited under her blk but she came down at 1225...we walk to the interchange coz we had to mit fadz at 1230...but we reached at 1245 and juz in time fadz aso reached...so we decided to go jogging at TAM stadiam so we walked there..we sat down awhile coz it was raining but it son stopped and we jogged for 6 rounds but i jogged for 7..soon aisha came..we rest and dance...we waited 4 ayun coz he sae his mitting us at 2.30 but we waited till 3 but he still did not come so we went CS to eat coz aisha was hungry... dn i found out FRAZE was coming...that made my mood swing..dn i kolled ayun again and his sista picked up and said he was in the toilet but i heard his voice behind..that made mi more pissed off...i ate witout my mood.. dn the rest came and it started 2 rain again..dn i heard they did not want 2 go swimming but go hougang coz the B'boiz were there... that made my mood swing fm East to West...GILAR BABI SIAK...!!!!!dn we set off..i still wanted to go swimming so i walked off and i did not know y i cried.. Raudah saw the tears in my sorrowed eyes...dn aisha aso followed mi..dn i walked to the swimming pool..but i wanted to b alone juz to cry and cut myself..THE BLOOD I BLEED IS THE TEARS I CRIED but Raudah n aisha was with mi and they did not let mi swim coz it was raining...dn fadz kolled mi and ask mi to mit her at tam. MRT...after tat we walk to the interchange dn Raudah n aisha went hm..dn fadz n mi went 2 mit the rest coz they were waiting for amir and the first person i saw was FRAZE the 2 FACED guy...dn amir came after an hour..we took bus 72 to hougang to mit the B'boiz..we took the bus round n round till we reached the place...we dance alil dn lepak...amir saw my back hair was plitted and he wanted to do the same..WTF..get a life PLZ...!!!dn fraze kip on asking mi..R U OK..?R U OK..?irritating SIAK..!!!STOP it la PLZ..!!!CN U JUS SHUT UR FUCKIN MOUTH U 2 FACE MOTHER FUCKER...!!! I HATE PPL HU R 2 FACED...!!!burn in HELL u FAGGOTZ..!!! U DUN DESERVE 2 B PART OF MY LIFE...dn we pack up and walked to hougang interchange where we split up n went hm our own waes..dn otw hm..Izhan msg mi n told mi abt fraze ADMITTING that he told amir EVERYTHING.. i was not surprise to hear that..i should have known fm the start that BOTH GF N BF R 2 FACED..!!!i thought fraze was a nice guy y he still wit a GF like SHAZ but guess they r still 2gether coz they both r the same...2 FACE..!!! btw i m so not gonna APOLOGISE to shaz coz she should know the real ANTONIO... his jokes r alwaes so straight4ward..if u cnt handle it... DN JUZ FUCK OFF..!!! n 2dae...my GF was being very sarcestic againand she is pissing mi off...im tryin to b mr NICE guy but she is juz climbing on my head...I HAD ENOUGH..!!!IM GONNA STOP ALL TIS SOON..!!! sumthing that pissed mi off alot too is my MENTOR for my art fund raising project..i could not make it 2 mit her 2dae coz i was busy n she expected mi 2 raise 100 BUCKS BY TONITE...WHO THE FUCK CN DO THAT MAN..!!!WHAT..?!!SELL JUBO..?!!come on arh..USE HER BRAINS..!!! dn when i otw hm..she msg mi and tok in a very sarcestic wae..WTF SIAK..!!! like she onli got life n feelingz i dun hav like that...PLZ LA..HAVE A THOUGHT ABT OTHERPPL FEELINGS TOO..I M STARTING 2 HATE HER NW..!!! i guess 2dae was the worse dae i had in 2007..!!!and when i got hm..i got a scolding fm my mum for getting a letter fm sch saeing that i had nt been going sch for 4 daez...CN MY DAE GET ANI BETTA..?!!! lets c wats ahead for mi 2morrow...

20.01.2007